Waiting, Just Wait

Writing clears my head and on a day like today, it really needs clearing. See everything seems very frazzled and half done. I hate half done things. Half done things stress me out, give me anxiety, and make me want to finish the task at all costs. I’m also a detail-oriented person, most likely to a fault. Maybe even a very big fault. But see details don’t really go with half done things.

Life is changing and lets be real, life is always changing. ALWAYS…but sometimes the changes are small and gradual. Like a slow, tiny, barely noticeable drip of the faucet over years. Yes, the dripping may be annoying, but after a while it fades into background noise, maybe you don’t even notice it anymore. You, especially if you’re like me DO notice it, but its not the end of the world. It happens. Its life.

The kind of change that is happening this year though, isn’t like that at all. It’s that weird kind of change that feels really fast and really REALLY slow all at the same time. It is also the kind where you know nothing, or very little will be the same after it happens. I find myself in a constant state of I CANNOT WAIT ANY LONGER!!!! I’m so excited and happy and joyful and thankful and just AHHHHHH, WHOOHOOO, FINALLY!! Yet, at the same time ohmygosh, fear, worry, anxiety, can I even do this, am I ready for this, are we ready for this, what’s going to happen, will my heart be ripped out and stomped on, are we insane, are we equipped for this, God are you sure we can handle this? And those are just the thoughts I have in a one minute time frame.

Well, here’s the thing, I don’t actually have any doubt at all that this is what God wants us to do. With the details and the when, you can just call me Doubting Thomas, but with the actual main event there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that God has called us to do this. So unlike me, I know! Don’t worry though I am most certainly still me am I going to do it well and all those other thoughts I listed above are still fully active. But the thing that is making me crazy and frazzled is that I have done all I can do.

And you know the worst best part?!?!?! I am not actually waiting on any people. I am waiting on my God, my Lord, my Father, my Savior and He has quietly and gently said wait my child, I’ve got it all under control. And I know He does, I know He knows best, and loves me deeply.

He even sent me a very special verse, He sweetly tucked it in my heart and mind. You know it’s special when I didn’t even have to try to memorize it. I read it once and it stuck and He repeats it to me over and over. I can honestly say I’m not sure I wanted it…not even a little bit (read more about that here), but even now He whispers, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord” (Psalm 27:14). I don’t like it, I don’t want to wait. I want to KNOW because knowing I can plan for, knowing I can prepare my heart for. In the knowing, I don’t need God as much or should I say, I surely don’t rely on Him as much.

Trust is a funny thing. I want so desperately to trust the Lord whole-heartedly and every time I think I’ve got it down He shows me another area I haven’t fully given Him my trust in. He wants it all, my whole heart and I keep praying I learn to trust Him fully. I guess He’s going to really see me through on that prayer! And I am just so very thankful for that. For right now, I wait. I rely on Him for my strength, I remember He’s got this, and I wait.

*I wrote this a couple of months ago and it is still so true today. A friend recently told me how important it is for us to learn how to wait on the Lord. It is such a difficult, but important lesson to learn. Wait on the Lord, for He is good!


Let Your Heart Take Courage

Sometimes a verse just kicks you in the teeth. It hits you hard and knocks you to the ground and sometimes it kicks you in the teeth, breaks your heart, and then mends pieces you didn’t know were broken. Psalms 27:14 has made me mad, encouraged me, scared me, and then changed my view of God in a completely different way than I ever expected.

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I’m reading through the Psalms right now and I guess I just passed right by 27:14 and it just wasn’t the right time for it to stick or be used in my heart. I am currently on Psalms 119, and on a side note let me just say you need to read it! So good! Anyway, I passed Psalms 27 awhile ago and it didn’t hit me then. But a few days ago I was reading a blog over at Sacred Ground, Sticky Floors, which I HIGHLY recommend and Jami used this verse. I don’t even remember the context, but immediately it HIT ME. I opened my bible app on my phone and looked up Psalms 27 and I remembered reading it a couple weeks months ago (I’m on the read your bible in three years plan), thinking how did I miss this verse.

Guys, I find myself in an extremely slow and also very fast time of waiting. I don’t know how else to say that, besides that I feel I am constantly in a state of waiting, yet what I am waiting for is right around the corner. It’s a strange feeling, a feeling of deep deep longing and at the same time an anxiety for what is to come. And in this paradox of emotions, God inserts Psalms 27:14. It just stuck, without any effort and played on repeat in my brain. My first-ish thought was GREAT, I’m not getting an answer anytime soon. Perfect. Thanks a lot. (I know… my thoughts are SUPER godly). God clearly wants me to trust Him and wait, which let’s be honest I wasn’t thrilled about. Then it encouraged me, built me up, and empowered me! Yes, Lord I will trust you! You’ve got this! Your way is better than mine and you know what is best. I WILL be strong and courageous. Next came the fear…my kryptonite. Fear rips through my mind, like nothing else. It twists my thoughts and brings doubt and the worst of the worst case scenarios into my heart. It changes a loving God who cares personally for me into an omnipotent deity that will do the worst TO me in order to accomplish His will. Clearly not a good place to be, especially in this state of waiting.

In true Psalms fashion, I did not stay in that horrible state of fear. The Lord swiftly used Psalms 116:7 to remind me of His true nature and my propensity to sway towards that which is terribly negative. I love the gentle rebukes He sends us to bring our hearts back to Him.

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Photo Credit:

Today, Psalms 27:14 changed my view of God, in a much more positive way and hopefully much more permanent way. I started thinking less about the call to wait and more about the “be strong and let your heart take courage” part. God believes that I need to be strong and that my heart needs courage to get through this difficult waiting period. I realized at that moment that I believe God to be up in Heaven shaking His head at me and muttering, “Why can’t she get this right?!!?! I’m God, HELLO BaCall, trust me already!” The God in my head is irritated with my lack of trust, with my inability to get it together already. He’s grumpy with me. BUT does a grumpy, irritated God encourage you with, be strong, take courage? No, the answer is no! I have this personal loving God, who gently tells me it’s really hard, BaCall, I understand more than you can ever imagine. I just need you to be strong right now, let your heart have the courage to trust me and wait. Believe me, it takes courage to do that, but rely on me and I will give you the strength to do it.

That’s the God we have! The loving, encouraging, and slow to anger God that sent His son to save me, not the God grumpy, irritable god that lives in my head when fear and doubt take over.