WARNING: This is an extremely honest and gut-wrenching (for me) post… I’ve really struggled with how much to share here, but I’ve decided to share the good and the ugly in an attempt to be authentic in sharing God’s faithfulness. So please proceed with caution, grace, mercy, and love.
Blogging has been difficult lately… as you might be able to tell from my lack of posting… in fact lots of things have been difficult for me lately, unfortunately… trusting has been really hard, not just in paying off student loans, but in many aspects of my life and faith, seeing The Lord’s faithfulness and miracles has been difficult too, which I didn’t really expect. I guess I expected the struggling in aspects of waiting and trusting, but not seeing faithfulness right in front of me was a very unpleasant surprise.
I’ve had some health issues, hormonal changes and problems, family stuff, Luke and I have had some rough days, and a constant sense of waiting in so many areas seems to be dragging me down.
In the midst of this we have been so blessed to live with my in-laws and even more blessed in how giving and accommodating they are. None of this: this blog, paying off student loans, or this journey of trusting would be possible without the sacrifice they have generously made in letting us share their home. I will FOREVER be grateful for this wonderful and sacrificial gift they have so freely given. And although I couldn’t image living with my in-laws going any better, it can sometimes be difficult to live in someone else’s home.
At least it is for me and I am quite sure it is MUCH MORE difficult to have others live in your home. See I am an emotional person and sometimes…especially recently with my hormonal issues (I AM NOT PREGGO, just to sent the record straight), I really want to just cry, scream, runaway, hide and lock myself away, which I often did to sort out stuff with the Lord when I was home alone in our apartment and even sometimes when Luke was home… Thanks for still loving me Luke 🙂 I am thankful for the Lord creating me just as I am and for His understanding of my emotional communication, but somehow I think that might scare the <insert questionable word here> out of my in-laws or at least make them think I am a lot more crazy than they currently believe I am…and let’s just be real here I feel like a crazy myself sometimes and I don’t really want to subject others to that and I’m not even sure I could subject them to it if I wanted too, even Luke. It’s a me and God thing…
The drought hasn’t helped either, as weird and silly as that sounds… I’ve mentioned to many and maybe even in this blog that the shower or bath is my conversing place with the Lord, but with the drought I can’t help but feel extremely selfish in spending anymore time than necessary in the shower, not to mention the bath. Just to clarify here I am NOT constantly sad, upset, or anything of the sort. I just feel things very strongly…I cry when I feel blessed, grateful, thankful, loved, in awe of the Lord, sad, mad, hurt and pretty much any other emotion strongly.
Without that emotional release, I like to think of as my Jesus therapy… I have held a lot more things in my heart and mind than I usually do. So I feel disjointed, muddled, and like I haven’t been able to see the Lord in the struggles of late. I’ve missed some MAJOR things. Some serious blessings and gifts from the Lord, which I am not okay with at all… so I am asking the Lord to open my eyes to times, places, and new ways for me to see, hear, and feel His faithfulness. He has planted me right where I am, and I am missing what He wants to show me. I don’t want to miss it anymore. I am praying for you and for me that we will not let circumstances, whether good or bad, pull us away from communing with the Lord and seeing what He has for us, right where we are. It’s amazing to me, that even as I write this the Lord is using my own words against me to reveal His will to me and for me. Don’t let health, hormones, people, waiting, hurt, or alone time pull us away from our one true love, our first love. It’s so weird, amazing, wonderful, cool, and awesome how so many things this week led me to that last sentence…
PS in case you are wondering I’m tearing up at how cool God is right now.