Writing clears my head and on a day like today, it really needs clearing. See everything seems very frazzled and half done. I hate half done things. Half done things stress me out, give me anxiety, and make me want to finish the task at all costs. I’m also a detail-oriented person, most likely to a fault. Maybe even a very big fault. But see details don’t really go with half done things.
Life is changing and lets be real, life is always changing. ALWAYS…but sometimes the changes are small and gradual. Like a slow, tiny, barely noticeable drip of the faucet over years. Yes, the dripping may be annoying, but after a while it fades into background noise, maybe you don’t even notice it anymore. You, especially if you’re like me DO notice it, but its not the end of the world. It happens. Its life.
The kind of change that is happening this year though, isn’t like that at all. It’s that weird kind of change that feels really fast and really REALLY slow all at the same time. It is also the kind where you know nothing, or very little will be the same after it happens. I find myself in a constant state of I CANNOT WAIT ANY LONGER!!!! I’m so excited and happy and joyful and thankful and just AHHHHHH, WHOOHOOO, FINALLY!! Yet, at the same time ohmygosh, fear, worry, anxiety, can I even do this, am I ready for this, are we ready for this, what’s going to happen, will my heart be ripped out and stomped on, are we insane, are we equipped for this, God are you sure we can handle this? And those are just the thoughts I have in a one minute time frame.
Well, here’s the thing, I don’t actually have any doubt at all that this is what God wants us to do. With the details and the when, you can just call me Doubting Thomas, but with the actual main event there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that God has called us to do this. So unlike me, I know! Don’t worry though I am most certainly still me am I going to do it well and all those other thoughts I listed above are still fully active. But the thing that is making me crazy and frazzled is that I have done all I can do.
And you know the
worst best part?!?!?! I am not actually waiting on any people. I am waiting on my God, my Lord, my Father, my Savior and He has quietly and gently said wait my child, I’ve got it all under control. And I know He does, I know He knows best, and loves me deeply.
He even sent me a very special verse, He sweetly tucked it in my heart and mind. You know it’s special when I didn’t even have to try to memorize it. I read it once and it stuck and He repeats it to me over and over. I can honestly say I’m not sure I wanted it…not even a little bit (read more about that here), but even now He whispers, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord” (Psalm 27:14). I don’t like it, I don’t want to wait. I want to KNOW because knowing I can plan for, knowing I can prepare my heart for. In the knowing, I don’t need God as much or should I say, I surely don’t rely on Him as much.
Trust is a funny thing. I want so desperately to trust the Lord whole-heartedly and every time I think I’ve got it down He shows me another area I haven’t fully given Him my trust in. He wants it all, my whole heart and I keep praying I learn to trust Him fully. I guess He’s going to really see me through on that prayer! And I am just so very thankful for that. For right now, I wait. I rely on Him for my strength, I remember He’s got this, and I wait.
*I wrote this a couple of months ago and it is still so true today. A friend recently told me how important it is for us to learn how to wait on the Lord. It is such a difficult, but important lesson to learn. Wait on the Lord, for He is good!